Jewell's Wait list.....God's Waiting Room

I received my letter today. While it was not the worst it wasn't the best either. 3 options: accepted, wait list, or declined. Apparently I'm just shy of being good enough to out-right accept; I am officially on the wait list for the program which begins in May '09. Of course at first I was completely crushed, upset....then I just felt numb and empty. I'm amused a little at myself saying only days ago that regardless of the outcome I just wanted to know... Now I think the not-knowing was better. I could at least live in the fantasy that I would indeed be accepted. Deep down I was scared and afraid I wouldn't get in. I knew that was a very real possibility but yet a part of me refused to believe it until it happened. Apparently, though, the wait list is quite fluid and changes quickly. Thing is, I have to wait until someone decides to drop out, decides they aren't ready or something happens in their lives that they have to put off participating for now. My happiness depends on someone else's tragedy in a way.... The thing that comes to mind as a comparison is the families who are waiting for a transplant... A far cry I know but still, you want to live or your loved one to live and yet you know your livelihood depends on someone else's demise. Part of me is afraid that should I officially be accepted the happiness will be tainted knowing that I was not only not "first choice" (am i in a draft now?) and that I'm in because someone else's life changed so dramatically that they couldn't pursue their own dream.

Ultimately I have no doubt this is God's way of telling me I have to learn to let go and stop holding on for dear life to every thing I want, to every plan I make, and to every great idea I have for my life. Jon has had his KCPD dreams put on hold as the department has been put on a hiring freeze and there won't be Academy possibilities until next Spring. We were definitely counting on that one far too much and far too early. Similarly we had everything all planned out with my program. He'd finish his training before I started my program, we'd both have good solid jobs by our 4th anniversary and ta-da! Life would be as it should. Mmmhmm. I have no doubt things will indeed work out (ok a little doubt) and we will most likely both get what we have dreamed for and wanted so much. It's that whole "in HIS time" thing that gets ya in the end. It's not until it's too late that you realize you haven't let go...you haven't given control to the One who has it all in His hands in the first place. We can only do so much to control our own lives. While we can't just sit and wait for something wonderful to be dropped on our doorstep (like for instance Ed McMann) we also have to realize when we've done all we can to achieve our goal and then wait. Patience and waiting are definitely 2 of the most challenging attributes in which to grow. I'm continually realizing we have no right to even try to control our lives in the way we want. We are not the directors of our lives like we were positioning people on a stage.

I must submit, I must give over control, and I must learn to wait. And so I am waiting....and listening for that still small voice......