The Top 10 Do and Do Not's of the ER by Yours Truly

If, by such poor luck, you have to visit an ER I beg of you to keep these things in mind. Also as you read this list remember each of these things are due to experiences I've had with patients personally and quite recently.

DO
1. Bathe
2. Put on clean clothes
3. If not both 2 & 3 at least one of the two...
4. Listen for your name to be called
5. Listen to what you are being told to do so as not to have to ask repetitive questions bordering on stupid. (ie, when I say "sign, date, and print" you sign, date and print. Not just sign. Not just print. All 3. And don't ask me where do I sign/date/print when not only did I just point them out, they are not only labeled but highlighted. HIGHLIGHTED.)
6. Be aware that antics will only get you put further down on the list not higher. If you're being disrespectful and/or putting on an Academy-award-winning performance in the waiting room of how tragic your situation is we'll likely just leave you waiting as long as possible because you're pissing us off.
7. Be aware, we have security on stand by. Therefore rolling around on the ground, cussing us out or causing other such inappropriate commotion will only get you tossed into our specials ward where you don't have TV to watch and still won't necessarily get you seen any faster.
8. Be respectful of the people trying to help you. When asked for your information please be polite, we are only trying to help. Help us help you.
9. Understand that those around you who are doubled over in pain are going to be in higher priority than you who are chowing down on a big mac with no pause.
10. Be prepared to provide the same information to many people within a short period of time. There is no kind of verbal or technological communication going between what the front desk does and what registration does or information either knows. Sorry.

DO NOT
1. Eat while being registered ie Digging in your McDonald's bag for more fries or continuing that sausage mcmuffin you just got
2. Dig into those twizzlers in your purse. They can wait 5 minutes. I promise.
3. Ask the registration personnel how long you will have to wait. We don't know.
4. Complain about how long you're going to have to wait when you came in for a cough or a sore throat and yet have not coughed once in my booth and are talking just fine. If you come in with chest pain and we prove on an EKG you need treated, you're going to come back before the cold symptoms will. Just a fact.
5. Trash-talk the hospital while still being registered. Not only are you trashing the facility who I am employed by but you are trashing the only hospital in town that will not only take you without insurance but set you up with a discount program.
6. Talk about how much better the other hospitals are in town-if they're so great, GO THERE. Wait, you don't have insurance... Be grateful for what you have.
7. Over-dramatize your symptoms or pain level. Staff can usually tell and it just annoys us.
8. Think that we won't call security. We have and we will. (see # 7 in the "Do's")
9. Talk so fast when we ask for things like your SSN that we can't register it quick enough to type it. We ask for a reason and we have to be able to understand what you're saying.
10. Forget what mommy taught you when you were little. Cover your mouth/nose when you cough/sneeze, use the tissues that are readily available, as well as the hand sanitizer, and please don't cough/sneeze directly into the same hand you're going to use to hold the pen I give you to sign your paperwork. Speaking of paperwork please be sure to review #5 of the "DO's".

That is all. Thank you kindly for your time and attention. Next patient please.